Why I Didn’t Report Twenty-six Years Ago, Give or Take

by Suzanne Allen

Because I hadn’t fought. Because

I had only said no and no, and no, and

cried. Because I only twisted under him,

only tried to wrestle my wrists from his grasp.

Because I hadn’t screamed, or kicked.

Because I had only said no

and no, and cried. Because I didn’t want

to talk about it.

Because he was my grandma’s

hairdresser’s nephew. Because

he was an EMT. Because we had

been dating just a few weeks, and

I really liked his friends’

wives. Because I had said yes

before. Because he rode

a motorcycle, fast. Because

he had had more than one serious

crash. His broken nose.

The sometimes wild in his

not-so-clear blue eyes.

I didn’t report until now

because I hadn’t found the words.

I can’t remember the house,

not even where I was living

at the time. I don’t remember

if anyone else was there, or why

I didn’t want to, or if

I stayed the night anyway.

Maybe we had had a barbeque, or

maybe that was a different night.

It was a long time ago, but

believe me: it happened. At first

I tried to forget; now I just try

to imagine he was a good guy,

that he had enough sense to know

what he had done and not

do it again. I hope he didn’t

do it again. I hope he doesn’t…

But it did happen. Believe me.

* * * * *

Suzanne Allen holds an MFA in Poetry and is a coeditor for The Bastille, (of Spoken Word Paris.) Her poems have been published in print and online journals such as Cadence Collective, California Quarterly, Carnival, Cider Press Review, Crack the Spine, Hobo Camp Review, Nerve Cowboy, Pearl, San Pedro River Review, Spillway, Spot Lit, Tears in the Fence and Upstairs at Duroc. Anthology publications include Not a Muse,(Haven Books), The Heart of All that Is (Holy Cow Press), Strangers in Paris (Tightrope Books), Veils, Halos and Shackles (Kasva Press), and Villanelles (Knopf). She also creates videos of poets reading their work, which can be found on YouTube at Vlogosophy. Her first chapbook, verisimilitude, is available at CorruptPress.net, and her most recent chapbook, Little Threats, was published just this summer by Picture Show Press.