by Laurie Lyter Bright
Deep relaxation really stresses the hell out of me.
In a space that is meant to be open, airy, possible.
I feel worse than stuck.
I am meant to release to the un-condition,
on one condition,
that I feel held by the floor, by the chair, by the vast landscape of the universe
But I try too hard and suddenly there it is again –
the muscles are tense and I fight the rising tide of knees and shoulders,
rising up up up in answer to my clear clinical orders to
I am dumping water over in thimblefuls of meditative practice,
but it is nothing to the storming seas-worth of memory embodied in a tight internal sense of protection,
why I feel unmoored walking on the streets
and feel so strangely seasick when riding public transport.
It feels mysterious to me, and I pine,
wistful for relaxation alone
(at least that is definitely a piece of it - this peace I can’t see no matter how furrowed my brow gets, the clouds don’t clear).
I long for what seems to be on the other side of peace -- wildness.
A great, grey ghostly god, who sits like mist on the forest, who rests in the silence, snapped by a twig broken under foot, who perceives aviary lightness and a proper avalanche just the same, considers each, and allows them to pass with equal appreciation that this
- all of this –
has a home here in the wild.