Exhausting

by Eve Louise Makoff


Exhausting
To watch their eyes-
Their movements
As they watched me.
Prison guards. 

The first time I felt it 
St. Augustine Episcopal 
Grey ash on my forehead
Fleeing blue stained-glass to a brick courtyard
Thinking I wore death.
Death stares.

Holidays around sweet yams
Tart cranberries
Eyes watching as I piled my plate
My fleshy arms shaking under warning gazes
Be careful said shaking heads-
Or no one will want you. 

I learned early 
Being wanted was everything
I hiked up my red bikini bottoms
Flirted with blonde boys with knives for eyes-
Ready to carve.

I learned to whittle myself to zero
Leaving no flesh to macerate.
I lived in a bone cage
Of euphoria 
Of nothing. 

I almost disappeared 
Down a dark grotto.
Care or give up.
Watch eyes or despise.

Would you believe Jean Rhys saved me?
Sargasso seas 
Frangipani trees

Now you will see me in words


* * * * *

Eve Louise Makoff is an internal medicine and palliative care physician and a writer.