Sunday, 15 May 2016

Who am I? What do I want?
Who are you? What do you want?

Sometimes it is hard to know what I want, having been trained to put other people first, as many women are. So it becomes easier to facilitate what other people want, out of sheer habit, or even having simply forgotten what I once wanted and what then was so many times put on the back burner because what others wanted was supposed to come first. Plus they were always so loud about what they wanted, and my whispers were overpowered. Plus, they seem so convincing in their desires, so if I do what they want, then at least somebody gets something they want.

Sometimes I have to make a huge effort to want anything at all--seeing that it's so often been declined and postponed, so what's the point of having any desires? Today I managed, after a bland beginning of wanting nothing, to notice I wanted to listen to Dolly Parton ("Jolene") and Vivaldi ("L'estro armonico") and read and knit (I do those at the same time, thanks to my grandmother who taught me how). Having done a bit of all of those, I already feel much better.

It reminds me of a Monique Wittig quote: “There was a time when you were not a slave, remember that. You walked alone, full of laughter, you bathed bare-bellied. You say you have lost all recollection of it, remember . . . You say there are no words to describe this time, you say it does not exist. But remember. Make an effort to remember. Or, failing that, invent.” 

Yes, failing that, invent.

Be important today.