the sinking feeling

                                                                                    by Erin Balachandran


settles itself into my chest.
it suffocates me and
my mind goes wild and
i’m feeling a thousand
emotions at once as i try
to not let myself start
crying.

did you know that a woman is much more likely to have depression than a man?

there are nights when
something burns inside
my chest or maybe it’s
the absence of this
burning that i notice i
can’t really tell at this
point.

social anxiety disorder generalized anxiety panic disorder obsessive compulsive disorder,
                                                                                                                           you name it.

i know there’s something
else missing and i can’t
do anything about it what
caused it to abandon me
where did it go
why did it
leave?             

what’s it like to be a neurotypical human being?

over and over and over
and over again i examine
the same scene the same
mistake i made and i tear
the skin off of my fingers i
swear i don’t mean to harm
myself.

what’s it like to have friends and feel loved and secure in all of your relationships?

i swear i’m more than this
imbalance of chemicals in
my brain. i swear i’ll try
my best to not let this ruin
what we have. i swear
sometimes i do want to get
better.

despite it all, i will recover.

i still belong on this earth
i have so much left to do so
much left to share and so
many people to love and
care for. i may get hurt and
suffer but i don’t care.

i am resilient.
i am a woman.
and i’m not done with this world quite yet.


* * * * *

Erin Balachandran has a BA in Creative Writing and Literature from Wheaton College. She has been published in the Rushlight Literary Magazine four times and once in Ibbetson Street Press. Balachandran is a lifelong writer and looks forward to one day publishing a full-length novel.