Stolen
by Myra King
She has misplaced her virginity. Cannot
remember where or how, or when... The memory of her before lost in the archives of time, flitting around like
something unamendable. Surely nowhere here she thinks, glancing sidewise at the
Classifications: Autobiography. Romance. Crime. Self Help. She's not in a
library, it's just three bookshelves at the end of the painted white corridor in
Ward 10. Some of the stories are older than centuries and some are up to date,
but who would write anything about her? She comes here every day. Reads passages
from all her favourites. Takes them all out and then puts them back. Never sits
down.
Maybe these voices know. Where it
is. Her misplaced virginity. Though she tries not to listen to them lately, not
since they said they'd lock her in the bathroom. When she peed on her bedroom
floor, the nurses made reassuring noises at her. Told her that no one would
ever lock her in. "See," they said in unison, like twittering birds, and
gesturing with open hands at the bathroom door with its blind handle, "there
isn't even a lock to lock you in."
Her dreams are locked in. They
spin nightly to a Miss Havisham, Dickensian time, a desiccated wedding cake and
tattered white dress.
She touches Great Expectations with gentle fingers. A passage overrides her
thoughts. She picks up the book and finds her marks. Every day begins the same.
There's another pure laced dress out
there, 90's fashionable, hers she is sure of it, cloistered in its plastic
protection. Untattered, uncluttered, like some forgotten fairytale. But no
forever after. And there's a man, handsome as a cowboy, but not as strong, out
there too, who could not face her face after it happened.
She sees that today there is a new
book, remembers the author from her school years. She loves Thomas Hardy. Then
she reads the title and her breathing quickens and her stomach feels like a
fist. She smacks her forehead as if swatting a fly.
Was it lost? Her virginity. Had it
been ‘lost’? Not if it was taken. Then it
would be stolen. Stolen. It's the quiet voice that says this. The one not
loud enough to mind. Most days.
She cannot recall when the words
started inside her head. She thinks
there were voices outside her head at
the time she misplaced her virginity. Three of them, but young. Past the high slipping
squeak of adolescent vocals. Perhaps not so young after all. And oh, so loud.
She takes down the new old book from the shelf of Classics: Tess of the D'Urbervilles, blinks
through the pages trying to snare her train of thought. Pauses at one scene -
Hardy was so ahead of his time - she remembers this, but wonders why the R word
with its simple four letters blurs her mind and runs away.
She ignores the quiet voice. She has
misplaced her virginity. Lost. To somewhere untouchable. So long ago... Surely,
she thinks, it should not matter.
She shakes her hair, tries to
straighten the books to line their edges with the shelves' edges, measures perfection
with flat palms held upright and outright like stop signs. It didn't help then and
it doesn't help now. Her own voice raises crescendo. The words in her mind are tumbling,
sparking behind closed lids. She knows the nurses will be here soon.
She pulls down every book, fan-scattering
pages, burying the newly arrived one, and then as footsteps come scurrying, slows
her breathing, chooses a book from the pile, and begins again.
* * * * *
Myra King lives on Worlds
End Highway in South Australia with her rescue greyhound, Sparky. Her poems and
short stories, many of which have won awards, have been published in print and
online, in literary magazines, anthologies and papers including Writing in a
Woman's Voice, Puncher &Wattmann, October Hill NY, Islet, Boston
Literary Magazine, Rochford Street Review, EDF, Heron's Nest and
San Pedro River Review.