Cherophobia

by Paula R. Hilton

is a ridiculous word

for my condition: Fear

of happiness. For months,

I refuse to admit

pleasure can live

in a world without you.

But today, on the trail

we used to hike every

morning, an old man

in white sneakers

and belted blue jeans

got my attention.

He waved me toward

the clearing where he

stood, staring, into a jungle

of pines, magnolias

and live oaks, thick vines

twined around their trunks.

Spanish moss,

soft and gray, dangled

from the oaks’ branches,

whispering Florida’s secrets

into the late January breeze.

I don’t know why I chose

to stand next to this elder

as if he wasn’t a stranger.

Maybe it was his conspiratorial tone:

 “Ever see a pileated woodpecker?”

“Not outside of photographs.”

The ease of my answer,

another surprise. Since

I lost us, I’ve tried not to speak

to anyone I don’t have to bear.

I followed his gaze

to the upper mid-point

of a slash pine.

“There’s the nest.”

He turned, pointed

to where our trail makes

that curve we love.

To the precise spot

where our woods

grow wilder still.

“I lost sight of it.

That’s the direction it flew.”

His eyes, the color

of searing summer

beach day sky, framed

by white lashes,

crinkled. Smiled.

“Hope you find it.

It’s a wonder.”

There was kindness

in the squeeze

he gave my elbow

before he disappeared,

leaving me to my quest.

Though I never spotted

the woodpecker, its body

the size and color of a crow,

never got to see the white stripes

running down its neck, or its

flaming red crest, I did,

finally, hear it, hidden inside

our favorite tangle of trees,

tapping, rapping, knocking.

* * * * *

Paula R. Hilton is a novelist who explores the ways deeply flawed people can still be forces of good in the world. Her fiction, essays and poetry have appeared on The Feminine Collective and NPR's This I Believe website as well as in a number of literary journals, including Smoky Blue Literary and Arts Magazine, The Tulane Review and Ellipsis. Hilton's debut novel, Little Miss Chaos, received the Kirkus star for books of exceptional merit.