An Introspection

by Sheena Singh

Today, on my way to the grave I looked back to recap my life. A series of screen shots unwind before my tear swelled eyes. I could have lived an entirely different life! Why was I so stubborn? Why did I raise my views when they could only make things worse? Why was I so vocal in my opinions? 

Things could have been so much different. Just to keep pace with the crowd, I should have spent time with my peers over evening tea and gossip. Or I could have fasted on particular days for the long life of my beloved and children... World wouldn’t have fallen down had I performed rituals to show my devotion to the world!

I could have dressed up like a bride and waited for my man. I should have stayed at home to look after my kids. I should have rather joined local kitty groups to keep me entertained. I should have waited for my share of pocket money to buy the groceries…

I could have smiled and nodded to all the commands ordered. I shouldn’t have questioned any elders. Who gave me the guts to show them the mirror? Why did I slap that perverted “uncle “when he rubbed me the wrong way?

I could have kept my home spotless. I could have invited neighbors over coffee after seeing my husband off to work. I could have found my joy in those gifted glass bangles—red and green. I should have draped my countless collection of saris. Why did I not dress up and spent hours in front of the mirror??

I could have kept my degree in locker. What was the need for me to go out and work? Why did I travel out fetching work? I could have found my joy in my life and not my degree. Why didn't I see that successful women are those who found their way to the hearts of their men?

I could have kept my views silent at work. Why did I dig out the buried skeletons of irrationality? Why was I vocal on the prevalent dishonesty? Who asked for my opinions on ethics? Was it required to grab hatred all over? Why did I raise my concern?

I could have shut my eyes on shadiness. Why did I point fingers at the system? Why was I sensitive on principles and system? Why did I shut that sleazy colleague up? Why did I tear that manipulative deal up?

Could I have lived happily and smiled my way today?

My heart burns as I am being carried to my grave. Why did I accumulate so much hatred?

Why did I stay apart from the crowd?

Why was I different?

I don’t have an answer

Today I am getting buried...

I see signs of relief everywhere...

Thanking God that I am finished.

I looked around to see a single face

Reflecting grief in my absence

But to my disbelief…

Au Revoir folks…

Was it a wasted life?

Sorry for the rudeness again!

I am still proud of the person I was

I am 

I will be

Before my own eyes.

Amen!