I ♥ You, Honey
by Kappa Waugh
I’m searching the ultra romantic section,
puffy satin hearts, starched lace: “Dot
your signature scent here,” the insert
suggests. Hmm, do they mean my cologne
or pheromones from my private parts?
Maybe not the tone I want to strike. He is
a gas station flowers kind of guy. He invariably
picks alstromeria, cheaper than roses
and a flower I can’t abide.
Let’s move on to the humorous. Here’s one, a
colorful lizard, captioned “Iguana hold your
hand.” Well, I’m a Beatles fan, but he really
likes the Clancy Brothers more. Wonder if
they have one saying, “I love you more than
‘Danny Boy’ or Irish whiskey?
How about a kid’s card? I grab one showing
kittens in a basket. Inside, “You’re PURRfect,
Valentine.” But 1) he isn’t, and 2) he hates
cats, and 3) he got a nosebleed on my (ironic)
“Hello, Kitty” sofa pillow, so I had to toss it.
Back at the humor section, I see a misplaced
romantic, pink ribbons, hearts, gold trim. In
reading the flowery script, I think, “BINGO!”
Inside “Write your own fucking Valentine!”